While I Gently Weep...

It's 1:35am GMT and here I am writing a blog. And you're probably wondering why. Everyone else is asleep in the house and I'm here, not even on my own laptop. No, it's given up the ghost. BSOD (for those who don't know what that means its Blue Screen Of Death...that screen that appears when something MAJOR goes wrong...or the computer is trying to protect itself) So sent and email off to someone for help although I already fear the outcome from it.

But it only now that I'm alone I realise what today is. See, today, I should have been graduating. I say should cause, if you've followed my other posts you will have seen that things haven't exactly gone quite to plan this year. And I do place some blame on those heads who thought that it was a good idea to change our course in our last year. Why not let us finish as we should have and then change it? No, they couldn't.

See I had a plan. When I started on my course there was two options: a diploma and a degree. I was always encouraged by my parents to go for the degree but after the 2 year where we were introduced to research, I realised that I couldn't manage the degree. So I would have opted for the diploma (although I probably would have had the points to do the degree) and then come back afterwards and make up what I needed. But no, at the end of our second year we were told we would have to do the degree. So there I was completely scuppered. To be honest I don't know how I managed this year, I really don't. The only time I felt happy (apart from once) was on placement.

So yes, followers of this blog will know that I failed the written paper twice and had headed for a third attempt (by this time I had already passed everything else). And you know that theory of third time lucky? It's all a lie! Or maybe it was just because I had something else on my mind. Up until I entered the exam I was fine. And one word threw me. Cancer.

I can cope with pretty much anything thrown at me but as soon as it's family, forget it. Everything goes out the window. See I had a member of family under going testing at the time of my exam. And all of a sudden, all the what ifs come to mind:
What if it is?
What if they need chemo?
What if it's too late?
Seriously, try writing an exam with that and more going through your head every time you stop to thinking about you're next sentence.

I think I just existed after that. It was that...limbo of not knowing what to do...I probably was depressed...maybe still am, I don't know. Even though it's all over, the what ifs still haunt me. Maybe it's because I couldn't talk to anyone. It was kept very hush hush until we knew truly what was going on.

So finally after weeks of not knowing with regards to the exam (I appealed their decision) they said I could re-take it. But that re-sit isn't until January. Which as you guessed it, means I missed graduating with the other members of my class. There's a pain in that, that no one could probably truly understand unless you've been there. You've spent three years of your life with these people...only to fall at the last hurdle, which means you're left behind. What makes it difficult is that I can't accept shifts for the fear of working with someone I've been with who is now more senior to me.

I should have known that people would only post pictures. It's only natural that they would want to share their joy with the world. But it only makes it harder. Sure there's still the chance of graduating...but it will be with strangers and somehow, won't feel right.

There is one thing keeping me going though. Should I successfully navigate my way through this re-sit (which if I don't my life won't be worth living!), I should graduate this time next year with my dad who just has to finish writing his dissertation for his Masters. You see there's a bit of a laugh in this. 5 years ago, my parents graduated together with the same degree (it was the 5/5/2004 which was a friday cause they then drove 250 miles to Aberdeen to spend the weekend with me cause I couldn't make their graduation). And if things go right this time, again it will be two members of the family graduating together at the same. Probably not as rare as married couples, but still special none the less.

This is assuming I haven't killed myself in May/June taking part in a Cancer Research UK's Race For Life. Yep, looks like I better get into training for it. Now what did I do with that Wii Balance Board............

Huggles
Vhari x